Take Your Heart off Display

I was speaking with a sista this evening, and she really stirred something up in me. She was expressing how she had been on and off with a guy for years, and she had done everything in her power to make him happy and fill the "voids" that she felt he had in his life. She even said that when he expressed to her that she wasn't what he was looking for in a wife, and told her what he did want, that she even attempted to become that. But of course, to no avail. She said they still hang out and that they are friends "with benefits" (how is it really benefiting her?). But she yearns in her heart for more--a real relationship to take the place of the substitute that they have become for each other; and constantly expresses that to him--whether it be verbally or through how much she physically does to express her "undying love."

I was told once, that I was a good listener, but not a great listener; because as most women do, I tend to interrupt to interject a thought that I feel will add value to the conversation. But I listened attentively to her, and only asked questions when I knew that she had completed her thoughts. Her heart felt words took me back to a familiar place, and it troubled my spirit that after all of this time had passed from their "official break-up," that she was still holding on so tightly to the dream of them being together.

Sometimes we're just called to listen. Other times, when we've actually been through situations, we need to speak up, and provide some wisdom. I used to say that women like that were stupid, naive and were just suffering from low self-esteem--until I became one of those women. It's really easy to speak on that which you've never dealt with, and some people don't see it until it happens to them. I know how hard it is to receive advise when you're in a dry place, and you don't know how to be delivered. I know what it feels like to not want to wake up, to be so depressed that you lose weight, your hair sheds and you ultimately lose who you are in the midst of your circumstances. I know how it feels to love so hard and pray so hard to have that love reciprocated, but it doesn't happen.

With all of these things in mind, my heart ached for her. I cried with her. I knew where she is, and it pained me to see another sista suffering like that. I wanted to pray with her, but she wasn't at that place. I wanted to tell her that she would find someone else who was perfect for her--but for one thing, that's selling her another dream, and furthermore, he is perfection to her right now, and no one else even compares. I wanted to tell her that time heals all wounds--but here she was after years of this same pain, and nothing had changed.

So all that was left was to give her tough love. And I remembered a line in Heather Headley's song "Why Should I Cry," and I told her in one sentence: Take your heart off display.

Ok, if you wanna continue to be around this guy, then that's your decision. But realize, that the difference between getting him totally out of your life, and staying around wishing... and hoping... and praying, is that yes, once you get away for real, you will still hurt. But after a while, it will stop. However, if you continue to stay, then you continue to hurt. It's your decision. And while you're still hangin out and collecting "benefits," and deciding what you're really going to do, take your heart off display.

For those who have been there-- and done that, I know you feel me. Peace.